Shadow : My current daily life, a nostalgic place, and a feeling I can’t shake off.

影 : Shadow.
今の僕の毎日と懐かしい場所と頭に残る感覚

My current daily life, a nostalgic place, and a feeling I can’t shake off.

あれから数ヶ月､まだ暑かった夏の始まり頃
とある日曜日､3時間目のダンスレッスン開始の頃
突然全身の痙攣が止まらなくなり
これまでに無かった感覚にMRI検査の予約を取り
後日病院へ､血液検査と初めてのMRI検査
結果を待つ病院の待合室
名前を呼ばれ入ると先生のデスクの大きなモニターに映された脳みその画像
自然と視線に捉えた右脳の中心辺りに映る真っ白な何かに､嫌な感覚になる
そして先生から腫瘍の疑いとの声
紹介状を書くのでとアキレス腱手術の際も入院した子供の頃から慣れ親しんだ病院への紹介状をいただく

WORLD ORDERメンバーとしてのタイでの日本博出演も決まっている中､航空券も手配していただいていたけれど

大病院へ行き脳神経外科の先生の診察を受けると
既にMRI検査を受けた脳神経外科クリニックの先生とのやり取りで主治医の先生が
入院から手術の日程まで決めてくださっていて
決まっていた全てが消えていった瞬間

もしかしたら自分の今ある感覚も無くなるかもしれない､もしかしたら何かしら障害が残るかもしれない､そんな沢山の書類サインをし
覚悟を決めての入院

初めて悪性脳腫瘍と聞いた時､頭に浮かんだのは
子供の頃から仲の良かった友達
僕が彼の目の異変に気づき先生へ話したあの日から二年脳腫瘍と闘い三年生の頃亡くなった友達

僕はどうなっても怖くないと自分に言い聞かせ
入院しカテーテル手術を受け､一週間後12時間……実質14時間に渡る大手術を受けた

手術室へは一人歩いて向かい冷蔵庫の中のように冷たい手術室へ入ってから
気づけば朝……
ICUで目が覚めそれから､朝食をとり歯磨きをし
すぐに空いていた個室の病室へ移され
自分の姿を写真に撮る

ガーゼだらけの頭､ネットに巻かれ出ている顔の部分はパンパン腫れ目蓋がパンパンに腫れ
自分じゃないみたいで
でも痛みは無く､時おり僅かにズキズキと疼く痛みのみ

その日にもうリハビリが始まり言語や記憶､運動とすぐに歩き動き始めていました

それから弟夫婦がフライドポテトをこっそり持って面会に来てくれたり
これまでの感覚と変わらない感覚を感じたり
でも体重は入院生活で激減し52kgに近く足もすっかり細くなってしまっていましたが

何も変わらない感覚を感じられたあの日

それから大監獄のようだった病院から退院し
当たり前になっていた全ての事に感動し
空気をめいいぱい吸ったあの日

それから数日後外を歩いている際突然鳴った電話､弟の奥さんからの電話
出ると弟が倒れたと救急車で運ばれたと
慌てて家に帰り実家へ行き
父と二人横浜の病院へ向かう

緊急用の入り口から入り､泣き崩れる弟の奥さんと共に先生の説明を受ける
運ばれた時には心配停止状態と聞き
当たり前に元気だった弟の姿が消えていくような感覚になる
大勢の看護師さん先生方に囲まれ機械に繋がれ検査へ向かう弟の姿が
もう逢えないんじゃないかと言う感覚にさせられ涙をこらえる

その日から数週間ICUでの闘いが始まり
先生のお話に堪えきれなくなった涙が溢れた瞬間もあった

でもあれからもう3ヶ月今は一般病棟へ移り
今も必死に色々な襲い来る感染症や不具合と闘いながらも
一歩一歩一息一息希望を感じさせてくれる弟の姿

家族で寄り添い､闘い続ける日々
目蓋を開き天井を見つめる弟の姿は
意識がないとは思えないほど
今も点滴の管､そして器官の管､胃ろうの管は
ありますが顔は傷さえあれどスッキリとしていて

意識がないとは思えない瞬間もあります

これからも弟と一緒に闘い僕ら家族は生きて参ります

そして昨日面会の帰りに久々に川の果てへ伸びる川沿いの方へ進み
工業地帯へ出てみました……

実は工業地帯の道を自転車で走ると
必ずと言っていいほど､側頭葉てんかんの発作
意識も感覚も見た目も平常なのですが
デジャブ感や異臭を感じる感覚そして痙攣
この感覚に襲われていました……
(この発作は来る瞬間がわかり､来る来ると感じた後に来るのでしかも対処できるので)
いわゆるてんかん発作(意識が飛ぶ)とはまた種類が違うようなのですが
意識がある中で起きている現象だからこその違和感と気持ち悪さがあり

だからあの感覚が記憶と頭に残る今
その感覚になるのではないかと言う
嫌な感じ不安はあれど

工業地帯を抜け数ヶ月ぶりの工業地帯のセントラルパークへ
自転車を押しながら公園内を歩き
久しぶりの感覚と空気を感じ
手術前は当たり前に来れていたのに
あの頃はまだ元気だった弟の影を感じ
歩きながら涙が溢れそうになりました……

僕もまだ取りきれなかった腫瘍は残り
弟も色々な敵は現れど一生懸命闘い
二人ともあたたかく生きています

僕らの影をこれからも感じてください

弟の為にも描き祈り創り祈り躍り祈り
僕も闘い生きることを止めません
弟の影が僕の影が
これからも世界中に優しい風と共に届きますように

皆さんも身体大切にあたたかく生きてください
何にも負けない強くあたたかく優しく
生きましょう

今年も後僅か
最後の最後まであたたかく
優しい風が心にそっと吹きますように

これまでもこれからも
本当にありがとうございます……

明日も明後日も明明後日も
生きよう

髙橋 昭博

Shadow :
My current daily life, a nostalgic place, and a feeling I can’t shake off.

Several months have passed since then, at the beginning of summer when it was still hot.
 One Sunday, around the beginning of the third period of dance lesson.
 All of a sudden, I can’t stop having convulsions all over my body.
 I booked an MRI scan with a feeling I had never had before.
 Later, I went to the hospital for a blood test and my first MRI scan.
 Hospital waiting room waiting for results
 When my name was called and I entered, an image of my brain was displayed on the large monitor on the teacher’s desk.
 I feel an unpleasant sensation when I see something pure white reflected in the center of my right brain, which I naturally catch in my line of sight.
 And then the doctor said that he suspected a tumor.
 I asked him to write a letter of introduction to the hospital he had been familiar with since childhood, when he was hospitalized for Achilles tendon surgery.

 As a WORLD ORDER member, I was scheduled to perform at the Japan Expo in Thailand, and I had already arranged my flight ticket.

 I went to a major hospital and was examined by a neurosurgeon.
 In a conversation with a neurosurgery clinic doctor who had already undergone an MRI scan, the attending physician said,
 They decided everything from hospitalization to surgery dates.
 The moment everything that had been decided disappeared

 Maybe I’ll lose my current sense of self, maybe I’ll be left with some sort of disability, so I signed a lot of documents.
 Hospitalization with determination

 When I first heard about malignant brain tumors, what came to mind was
 A good friend since childhood
 Two years have passed since the day I noticed something strange in his eyes and told his teacher. My friend who died after battling a brain tumor when he was in the third grade.

 I tell myself that I’m not afraid no matter what happens
 I was hospitalized, underwent catheter surgery, and a week later underwent major surgery that lasted 12 hours…actually 14 hours.

 I walked alone to the operating room and entered the operating room, which was as cold as the inside of a refrigerator.
 Before you know it, it’s morning…
 I woke up in the ICU, then had breakfast and brushed my teeth.
 I was immediately moved to a private hospital room that was vacant.
 take a photo of yourself

 My head was covered in gauze, and the part of my face that was wrapped in a net was swollen and my eyelids were swollen.
 It’s like it’s not me
 But there was no pain, only a slight throbbing pain from time to time.

 Rehabilitation had already begun on that day, and he was soon learning to walk and move, improving his language, memory, and movement.

 Then my younger brother and his wife secretly brought fries to visit me.
 I feel the same sensation as before
 However, my weight had dropped drastically during my stay in the hospital, and my legs had gotten thinner and thinner, reaching almost 52 kg.

 That day when I felt that nothing had changed

 Then I was discharged from the hospital, which was like a big prison.
 I was moved by all the things that had become commonplace.
 That day when I took a deep breath of air

 A few days later, while walking outside, the phone suddenly rang, a call from my brother’s wife.
 When I got out, I was told that my brother had collapsed and was taken away by an ambulance.
 I rushed home and went to my parents’ house.
 My father and I head to a hospital in Yokohama.

 I entered through the emergency entrance and listened to the teacher’s explanation with my brother’s wife in tears.
 I heard that he was in a state of anxiety when he was brought to the hospital.
 I feel like my younger brother, who was normally healthy, is disappearing.
 My younger brother was surrounded by a large group of nurses and doctors, connected to a machine, and headed for a test.
 I hold back tears as I feel like I might never see you again.

 From that day on, my battle in the ICU for several weeks began.
 There were moments when I burst into tears because I couldn’t hold back my teacher’s story.

 But it’s been three months since then, and now I’ve been moved to a general ward.
 Even now, while desperately fighting against various infections and problems,
 My brother gives me hope with every step and every breath.

 Days when we continue to fight together as a family
 The image of my younger brother opening his eyelids and staring at the ceiling
 I can’t believe he’s unconscious
 Even now, there are IV tubes, organ tubes, and gastrostomy tubes.
 Although there are scars on her face, she looks clean.

 There are moments when I can’t believe he’s unconscious.

 I will continue to fight alongside my brother to keep our family alive.

 Then, on my way home from the meeting yesterday, I went along the river that stretches to the end of the river for the first time in a while.
 I went out to the industrial area…

 In fact, if you ride a bicycle on a road in an industrial area,
 Temporal lobe epileptic seizures almost always occur
 My consciousness, sensations, and appearance are normal.
 Sensations of déjà vu, strange smells, and convulsions
 I was attacked by this feeling…
 (You can tell when this attack is coming, and it comes after you feel it coming, so you can deal with it.)
 It seems to be a different type of seizure than what is called an epileptic seizure (in which consciousness jumps).
 It feels strange and disgusting because it is a phenomenon that occurs while you are conscious.

 That’s why now that feeling remains in my memory and mind
 I think it will feel like that
 Although I feel bad and anxious

 Passing through the industrial area and heading to Central Park, an industrial area for the first time in several months.
 Walking in the park while pushing a bicycle
 Feeling the sensation and air for the first time in a while
 Before the surgery, I was able to come as normal.
 I feel the shadow of my younger brother, who was still healthy back then.
 Tears were about to overflow as I was walking…

 I still have a tumor that I couldn’t remove.
 Even though my younger brother faced various enemies, he fought hard.
 Both of us are living warmly

 Please continue to feel our shadow.

 Draw a prayer for your brother, create a prayer, dance and pray.
 I won’t stop fighting and living
 My brother’s shadow is my shadow
 May it continue to reach all over the world with gentle winds.

 Everyone please take care of your body and live warmly.
 Strong, warm and kind that won’t give in to anything
 let’s live

 There are only a few days left this year
 Warm until the very end
 May a gentle wind blow gently into your heart

 Until now and from now on
 Thank you so much…

 Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow
 Let’s live

 Akihiro Takahashi